As things got worse to the point of living like strangers in the same house, I realized that I really wanted to save our family. His response was far from enthusiastic. I suspected she was having an affair, but she lied to me about it and set me on fire. Even after finding out the truth, I told him we could get through this. Finally, I caught her in another lie which was the final straw.
According to legal advice, I planned to stay at home until a parental agreement was finalized. She was mean and mean to the point that the situation was unbearable and I was forced to move out. All I took was some furniture and my car, although I invested in the mortgage, maintenance and improvements, doing much of the work myself. Even then, I wrote her a long letter thanking her for the relationship, expressing what it meant to me, and apologizing for all the hurt I had caused her throughout.
What I got in return was a year-long legal battle just to get equal parenting time, custody rights, and medical decision-making. I won in all three areas. I am now in a relationship with someone caring, open, honest and transparent, and it feels good.
Here is my problem. I don’t want anything to do with my ex unless it’s solely related to our son. I don’t want to co-parent; instead, I practice parallel parenting. I don’t want to engage otherwise and “be nice” when we attend his events. I totally ignore it. He is a very active child, so there are lots of events, practices, etc., sometimes several in a week.
Our son didn’t ask about the obvious lack of engagement. Do you think this impacts it negatively? Do you think I should at least exchange greetings for him?
A dad : This seems like a simple question with a simple answer: “Yes, “be nice” for the sake of your son, because of course ignoring his mother has a negative effect. »
However, given the years of discord your son has witnessed, he may be relieved that you are avoiding each other and prefer these events without fear of his parents arguing.
I’m not saying it’s true or that ignoring oneself is a good thing. Treating people like they don’t exist is objectively terrible and a last resort. What I mean is that “for him” is up to him, how he actually feels, not me, you, or any other adult pronouncing what’s best for him. You don’t behave in isolation either; you can decide to greet your ex, but she decides how she responds.
Obviously, as the parent of a minor child, you must make your judgment without directly knowing your child’s state of mind. But you’ll serve him better if you work from broader goals centered on his mental health, using the reality you have versus what “should” be happening – and using your senses to read what he has. need. And let his simple everyday conversation take you to topics he’s willing to talk about.
For example, it’s tempting to think, “I need to say hello to his mother so our son can see that we get along well” – such a simple and undeniable cause and effect. But dig deeper for why you’re considering this step: you want his world to be stable and supportive rather than a source of anxiety, so he has room to grow, try new things, and strengthen his confidence. You want him to trust his parents and himself. RIGHT?
If so, is greeting your ex the best way to achieve this, given the realities you have at hand? Maybe. Perhaps not, if engaging would invite conflict. Maybe let your fury turn to indifference. Maybe more creative planning is the answer. Maybe see which direction your son pulls you when you enter a room.
Of course, the answer isn’t to ignore your mother just because I “don’t want” to deal with her. It’s about your son, not you, so that’s good: you ask the right questions to get the best answers.
Even if you figure out what he needs, it won’t be a fixed amount. Right now, a discreet distance might make more sense. Over time, you may notice that he needs something different or that your reality has shifted toward new options.
What remains constant is your son’s rightful place at the top of your priority list. Pay attention and “listen” to things he doesn’t yet have the words or maturity to say. Be willing to be the one he needs.